Perhaps the single greatest source
of mental energy is positive interaction with others. Even if you were the
class nerd in high school, it's never too late to achieve social success. You
can develop social confidence by following a few simple steps.
Schedule your social life
To hone
your social skills you have to invest time in them. Practice makes perfect,
even for the socially secure. By surrounding yourself with others you create a
rich supply of opportunities to observe interactions and to improve upon your
own social behaviors.
Stop
turning down party invitations and start inviting people to your home. Plan
outings with acquaintances you'd like to know better.
Think positive
Insecure
people approach others anxiously, feeling they have to prove that they're witty
or interesting. Self-assured people expect others to respond positively—despite
the fact that one of the most difficult social tasks is to join an activity
that is already in progress.
Engage in social reconnaissance
The
socially competent are highly skilled at information gathering, always scanning
the scene for important details to guide their actions. They are tuned in to
people's expression of specific emotions, sensitive to signals that convey such
information as what people's interests are, whether they want to be left alone
or whether there is room in an activity for another person.
To infer
correctly what others must be feeling, you must be able to identify and label
your own experience accurately. That is where many people, particularly men,
fall short.
Good
conversationalists make comments that are connected to what is said to them and
to the social situation. You don't have to be interesting. You just have to be
interested.
Enter conversations gracefully
Timing is
everything. After listening and observing on the perimeter of a group they want
to join, the socially competent look for an opportunity to step in, knowing it
doesn't just happen. It usually appears as a lull in the conversation. Tuned in
to the conversational or activity theme, the deft participant asks a question
or elaborates on what someone else has already said. The idea is to use an
open-ended question that lets others participate. "Speaking of the election,
what does everybody think about so-and-so's decision not to run?"
Once the
conversation gets moving, back off and give others a chance to talk. The goal
is to help the group have a better conversation.
Learn to handle failure
Everyone
will sometimes be rejected. The socially confident don't take rebuffs
personally. They don't attribute rejection to internal causes, such as being
unlikable or an inability to make friends. They assume it can result from any
of many factors—incompatibility, someone else's bad mood, a misunderstanding.
Self-assured
people become resilient, using the feedback they get to shape another go at
acceptance. When faced with failure, those who are well-liked turn a negative
response into a counterproposal. They say things like, "Well, can we make
a date for next week instead?" Or they move onto another group in the
expectation that not every conversation is closed.
And should
they reject others' bids to join with them, they do it in a positive way. They
invariably offer a reason or counter with an alternative idea: "I would
love to talk with you later."
Manage your emotions
Social
situations are incredibly complex and dynamic. There's all kinds of verbal and
nonverbal cues, such as facial expression and voice tone that have to be
interpreted before you decide on the best response—all in a matter of
microseconds. No one can do all that without a reasonable degree of control
over their own emotional states, especially negative emotions such as anger,
fear, anxiety, emotions that usually arise in situations of conflict or
uncertainty. The trick is to shift attention away from distressing stimuli
toward positive aspects of a situation.
Defuse disagreements
Conflict
is inevitable; coping with confrontations is a critical social skill. Instead
of fighting fire with fire, socially confident people stop conflict from
escalating; they apologize, propose a joint activity, make a peace offering, or
negotiate. Sometimes they just change the subject. Managing conflict without
aggression requires listening, communicating, taking the perspective of others,
controlling negative emotions, and problem-solving. Even just explaining your
point of view in an argument is a helpful move.
Laugh a little
Humor is
the most prized social skill, the fast track to being liked. There's no recipe
for creating a sense of humor. But even in your darkest moments, strive to see
the lighter side of a situation.
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